If you recall from my last blog post, Mike and I decided to end the fertility treatments since it was costing so much money and they were not working for us. We made the decision to take a break and pray about the Lord's direction for us from here. We knew that either In-Vitro or adoption would be our next step, but we were unsure where the Lord would lead us. We just knew that whatever decision we made, we wanted it to be the Lord leading us. A very wise friend of mine has said to me several times to make decisions from a place of peace, not from a place of fear, and I thought that was such great advice. The title of my last blog post was "Letting God write our story"...well, He certainly grabbed the pen and ran with it! And it certainly caught us off guard, but in such a wonderful way!
A few weeks ago, in the midst of this waiting period, I was contacted by a friend of mine from college who told me that the Lord had put us on her heart and she felt like she just needed to share something with us. I have not talked to this friend in several years (probably since college), but we were in the same sorority in college. She has been keeping up with my blog, which is how she knew what we had been going through. She told me that she knew of a young couple who were pregnant, due in September, and have made the decision to put their baby up for adoption. She said the Lord brought us to mind, and she felt like she needed to share with us.
Initially, when I read the message, I got really excited, and shared the message with Mike. Then I started thinking about the logistics and decided that it probably wouldn't work. I thought that 3 months was not enough time to get everything done, so I was quick to dismiss the idea. Mike said, "Let's just pray about it and see how we feel about it in a few days." I'm always so thankful for his approach to situations, and agreed to just pray about it. That night I "left" for a work conference. (It was in Fort Worth, but I stayed in a hotel with my co-workers, so it felt like I was away!) I found myself praying and thinking about this situation and this baby constantly, and when Mike met us all for dinner on Tuesday night, the first thing he said to me was, "Have you still been thinking about this baby?" I just laughed and agreed that I had. Through the course of praying and talking to Mike over the next few days, we decided that whether or not things worked out with this baby, we felt like the Lord was leading us to adopt. We felt like maybe this was the baby for us, or maybe the Lord just used this situation to make the decision for us that adoption is the way we were supposed to go. Either way, we felt such an immediate, overwhelming peace, which is something we haven't felt in this area of our lives in a long time.
I sent a message back to my friend letting her know that we were interested in seeing if adopting this baby would be an option. She then had her friend talk to the birth parents about us, and told me the couple was going through the Gladney Center for Adoption. The next day, my friend told me that the birth parents said we sounded like a great family for their baby, and said they were going to talk to their adoption caseworker about us! That Friday I called Gladney and was told what we would be going through is considered an independent adoption because Gladney is not having to match us with a birth mother/parents. I left a message with the caseworker (who was, of course, out of the office that day!) Then we had to wait for more information from her.
Last Monday, the caseworker emailed me back and said she needed to check with the birth parents' caseworker to see if they had talked to her about us. On this past Thursday (which seemed like an eternity of waiting) the caseworker called me and said she had spoken to the birth parents' caseworker and she reported that the birth parents are definitely interested in us as a possible adoptive family for their baby! So what that means is....
We are starting the adoption process for this baby girl!
We talked to the caseworker about the process briefly and on Friday as we were leaving for our anniversary trip we got the social and medical history on the birth parents, which was great! After hearing this, we gave our caseworker the go-ahead and she put the paperwork in the mail to us (all 60 pages of it!) So now our next step is to get our profile together to give to the birth family, so they know some more information about us, and lots of pictures of us (which I told her was no problem for me!) After that, they will (hopefully) agree to move forward with us and then the next step would be our home study. And then, if everything works out, we will have our baby girl home in 4 months!! (We found out Friday that she's actually due October 11).
This whole situation has been crazy...the fact that the Lord just dropped this in our laps, that He changed our hearts and desires almost in an instant, and that we feel just as excited about starting our family through adoption as we would be if I were pregnant. I can't explain the sense of peace that we feel about this decision...Mike and I just know that this is definitely a God thing.
These next few months are likely going to be really crazy (in a good way!) so we have some prayer requests: First of all, pray for the birth parents to have a peace about their baby becoming part of our forever family, and deciding to go forward with us and this process. Pray for a healthy pregnancy for the mother, and safety and health for the baby girl. Pray for us: we have to come up with the money for the adoption, everything we need for the baby, and if she comes home to us, I will be on maternity leave in a few short months, and won't get paid for the majority of it, so please pray for our finances! We are going to try to fundraise as much as possible, but we don't have a huge amount of time. I am also planning to apply for some adoption grants, but we have to have our completed home study done first, so again, time is a factor. So please pray for us as we begin this next phase of our journey to become parents!
As crazy as these past few weeks have been, we are feeling such a peace about starting our family through adoption, and we know that this is the Lord's path for us. We may still have biological children if the Lord chooses to intervene, or we may adopt all of our children. Either way, we know that His plans are better than ours, and that He uses any means necessary to bring His plans to fruition. I told Mike the other day, how amazing would it be if this baby comes home with us, because that would mean that the Lord used our blog about infertility to bring us our first child...and in 4 months, after 2 1/2 years of waiting!
His plans are always better.
--Becky
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Letting God write our story
As I said in my last blog post, Mike and I are currently in a waiting period. We have finished our last month of fertility treatments for now, and we are praying about what direction we need to go next. While we are trying to enjoy the break and each other during this time, it is also really hard to remember some days that this is not the end of our journey to becoming parents. With all of the disappointments we have endured these past few years, it's hard to be optimistic and think the best is yet to come for us. It's so hard to know what the Lord's plan is for us, and if that will include children, and if so, how that will all come about. It is a constant, daily struggle to give it back to the Lord and trust in His plan and His timing. Luckily, He is right there with us, walking beside us and giving us little reminders that He is still working, and His plans are going to be so much better than what we could ever have imagined.
I have been doing a Facebook bible study with some ladies at our church, and it has been really good for me. Basically, we all are reading the same book, usually the same chapter each week, and we have a Facebook group that we use as a discussion board for everyone to write on to share what spoke to them the most. We have been reading the book "Stumbling into Grace: Confessions of a Sometimes Spiritually Clumsy Woman" by Lisa Harper. A part in one of the chapters really spoke to me this week. In this passage, Lisa is talking about letting God author our life stories, even when it doesn't match up to our own plans.
"I am stingy when it comes to handing God the pen. Sometimes He has to pry my fingers loose, but with each new page of my story, I'm learning to trust His narrative more. I'm learning to believe in an ultimate happy ending, even when I don't like some of the chapters He writes, because as Paul reminds us in Romans: 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.' (Romans 8:28). We can become more content by giving God the sole authorship of our biographies."
I think this is such a powerful statement, and so important for us to grasp, but oh so difficult to actually do. Ultimately, I think all believers know and acknowledge that God is the one in charge of our lives, and the one in control of our destinies. But how often do we wrestle with Him for control of the pen? I know I do! Maybe I'm the only one, but I certainly think that sometimes the man upstairs can use a few pointers from me, and a little help to bring my great ideas to fruition. I'm trying to convince the author of my life that I know better than He does how the ending should play out. I think sometimes He must just laugh at my ideas, thinking, "Why would you want to settle for that when I have so much more to give to you?"
Lisa writes in this chapter that she never thought she would be approaching 50 having never been married and never having had kids, but that is where she is. In the same way, I never thought I would be turning 30 without having children, or at least being pregnant. I never imagined that I would have to celebrate 2 pregnancies, only to lose those 2 babies weeks later. I never imagined having to spend thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and putting my body through crazy physical demands with no good results, but that's exactly how it has happened. In my mind, this is NOT how my story was supposed to unfold! And I know I have told God more than once just how I thought my life should go instead.
But when I am close to becoming overcome with sadness and frustration, I always have to go back to Romans 8:28, and ask myself if I truly believe those words. It says God works ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him...not some things, not most things, but ALL THINGS. That means that God will work good out of our countless fertility treatments, the loss of our first 2 babies, the tears shed and the stress endured. I don't know HOW or WHEN, but I have to trust that the Lord WILL, in HIS timing. And I have to trust Him for that now, not after we have our miracle home with us. I posted a passage on Facebook earlier this week from a devotional that I read that gives good advice for trusting God during the waiting periods.
"A lot of times people think, 'I'll have a good attitude as soon as I get over this health issue' or 'I'll give God praise when I get through these tough times.' But that's not how faith works. As long as we're negative, discouraged, and focused on our problems, it limits what God can do. You've got to give God praise first, and then the breakthrough will come. You've got to change your focus first, and then things will change in your favor. Praise always precedes the victory."
I think this is such a powerful message, but again, tough to put into practice. I am trying to meditate on this and stay in the Word so that I am reminded of these messages. It is so easy to be overcome by the insignificant life stressors that are thrown our way, but it is so hard to remember to trust ONLY in the Lord during this waiting period. No one knows what our story will look like, or when it will come to pass, but until then, I am waiting and trusting that the Lord has plans for our life, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.
"Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!
Till the next steps made plain will be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.
Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that need not grow dim;
The Master has pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.
Waiting! Yes, still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That, while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong."
-Streams in the Desert
I have been doing a Facebook bible study with some ladies at our church, and it has been really good for me. Basically, we all are reading the same book, usually the same chapter each week, and we have a Facebook group that we use as a discussion board for everyone to write on to share what spoke to them the most. We have been reading the book "Stumbling into Grace: Confessions of a Sometimes Spiritually Clumsy Woman" by Lisa Harper. A part in one of the chapters really spoke to me this week. In this passage, Lisa is talking about letting God author our life stories, even when it doesn't match up to our own plans.
"I am stingy when it comes to handing God the pen. Sometimes He has to pry my fingers loose, but with each new page of my story, I'm learning to trust His narrative more. I'm learning to believe in an ultimate happy ending, even when I don't like some of the chapters He writes, because as Paul reminds us in Romans: 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.' (Romans 8:28). We can become more content by giving God the sole authorship of our biographies."
I think this is such a powerful statement, and so important for us to grasp, but oh so difficult to actually do. Ultimately, I think all believers know and acknowledge that God is the one in charge of our lives, and the one in control of our destinies. But how often do we wrestle with Him for control of the pen? I know I do! Maybe I'm the only one, but I certainly think that sometimes the man upstairs can use a few pointers from me, and a little help to bring my great ideas to fruition. I'm trying to convince the author of my life that I know better than He does how the ending should play out. I think sometimes He must just laugh at my ideas, thinking, "Why would you want to settle for that when I have so much more to give to you?"
Lisa writes in this chapter that she never thought she would be approaching 50 having never been married and never having had kids, but that is where she is. In the same way, I never thought I would be turning 30 without having children, or at least being pregnant. I never imagined that I would have to celebrate 2 pregnancies, only to lose those 2 babies weeks later. I never imagined having to spend thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and putting my body through crazy physical demands with no good results, but that's exactly how it has happened. In my mind, this is NOT how my story was supposed to unfold! And I know I have told God more than once just how I thought my life should go instead.
But when I am close to becoming overcome with sadness and frustration, I always have to go back to Romans 8:28, and ask myself if I truly believe those words. It says God works ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him...not some things, not most things, but ALL THINGS. That means that God will work good out of our countless fertility treatments, the loss of our first 2 babies, the tears shed and the stress endured. I don't know HOW or WHEN, but I have to trust that the Lord WILL, in HIS timing. And I have to trust Him for that now, not after we have our miracle home with us. I posted a passage on Facebook earlier this week from a devotional that I read that gives good advice for trusting God during the waiting periods.
"A lot of times people think, 'I'll have a good attitude as soon as I get over this health issue' or 'I'll give God praise when I get through these tough times.' But that's not how faith works. As long as we're negative, discouraged, and focused on our problems, it limits what God can do. You've got to give God praise first, and then the breakthrough will come. You've got to change your focus first, and then things will change in your favor. Praise always precedes the victory."
I think this is such a powerful message, but again, tough to put into practice. I am trying to meditate on this and stay in the Word so that I am reminded of these messages. It is so easy to be overcome by the insignificant life stressors that are thrown our way, but it is so hard to remember to trust ONLY in the Lord during this waiting period. No one knows what our story will look like, or when it will come to pass, but until then, I am waiting and trusting that the Lord has plans for our life, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.
"Waiting! Yes, patiently waiting!
Till the next steps made plain will be;
To hear, with the inner hearing,
The Voice that will call for me.
Waiting! Yes, hopefully waiting!
With hope that need not grow dim;
The Master has pledged to guide me,
And my eyes are unto Him.
Waiting! Yes, still waiting!
I know, though I've waited long,
That, while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong."
-Streams in the Desert
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Latest update
For those of you following our blog and our journey with infertility, I wanted to update you on the latest with our situation. If you have been reading our blog and remember the last post, we were about to enter into our last month of treatments with the specialist before taking a break for awhile. We were diligently praying that my left ovary would respond, since the last 3 months my right ovary had been responding very well, but since that is the side with my blocked fallopian tube, I was unable to get pregnant. We were praying for at least one last good shot at getting pregnant, since we determined this would be our last month with the specialist.
We went through taking the pills and giving myself the shots, and when we went in for the first sonogram, the doctor said that my right and left ovaries were both responding, and they were about even, which was good news. I went back 2 days later and the doctor was really happy to tell me that my left ovary had pulled ahead, and I would definitely ovulate from that side, giving us a much better chance of getting pregnant this month! We were so thrilled that my left side FINALLY responded and went ahead with the IUI 2 days after that sonogram.
Then came the 2 week wait...I always hate this time, but I was relatively calm about this one because I was so HOPEFUL that this could be the month. Everything went the way it was supposed to, and about a week and a half into the wait I began to have symptoms of pregnancy. I was really tired and really hungry, which were my main 2 symptoms with my other 2 pregnancies. I began taking extra care of my body, just in case I was pregnant. We went to Vegas for 5 days for my brother's wedding, which was a great distraction, and got back last Tuesday. I was scheduled to go in for the blood pregnancy test on Friday, and couldn't wait for the day to get here!
Usually about 2 days before I start my period, I have early signs of cramping and I can just tell that I am about to start my period. The last 3 months, I have actually started my period before the doctor even called with the blood pregnancy test results. I took that as a good sign that by Friday, I was still not feeling at all like I would be starting my period. I was also still tired and hungry, so I was just convinced that I was pregnant. On Thursday night, I even said to Mike, "I'm going to be surprised tomorrow if they call me and tell me I'm NOT pregnant....that's how sure I was.
Friday came, and I went in for my blood pregnancy test at 8. They always tell you they will call you after 4:00 that day, so I went back to work to wait on the call. I was nervous, but in good spirits, sure I was going to get great news! The doctor's office called about 1:30, which surprised me, and I picked up immediately. Then came the verdict from the nurse:
"I'm sorry, but I don't have good news for you."
She told me the blood pregnancy test was negative, and I was shocked. I asked her to verify my levels, and even went and took a home pregnancy test just to confirm (as if that would be any more accurate than the BLOOD test!) I was devastated, more so than I have been in a long time. I called Mike and sent out a text to some close friends and family, and then I just lost it. I was SO sure. I just couldn't believe it, and I was so heartbroken I could barely breathe or think. I learned a long time ago during this journey to not get my hopes up, but this month I couldn't help it. My body responded the way it was supposed to, I had symptoms, my period was late for the first time ever while on the fertility drugs...it just didn't make any sense.
We got that news on Friday and have been dealing with it since then. I told Mike that because our hopes were so high and because this was our last month of treatments, this disappointing news was almost as bad for me as our 2 miscarriages...that's how devastated I was. I know that is hard to understand, but I had already begun making plans for this baby that I thought I would be carrying. It was a very rough weekend emotionally, and then I ended up having the period from hell, which only made things worse. I had the worst period I've had in years, and I guess maybe that's why I was experiencing such strong symptoms the few weeks before. Needless to say, not my favorite way to spend a weekend!
Now Mike and I are faced with trying to heal from the past 2 years, trying to understand why this has all happened, and trying to figure out where we go from here. We are taking a break for awhile to pray about the direction the Lord would have us go. The next step for us would either be In-Vitro or adoption, both of which are huge decisions and require lots of money, so we don't want to jump into anything. Plus, our emotions and our hearts need a break. These past 2 years have been a beating, and we want to spend some time just being together and enjoying each other, without the pressure of trying to conceive. I am looking forward to not having to plan our lives around shots, have 6 doctor's appointments a month, and worrying about making sure I do everything at the right time. I am also curious to see what my body does now that I am off all of the fertility drugs, since I have been on something for the last 15 months straight. We are focusing on relaxing, getting healthy, spending time together, and growing closer to the Lord through this time. We aren't tracking ANYTHING this month, and maybe for a few months. We also aren't discussing or checking into other options right now. We are simply taking one day at a time, and when we feel like moving forward, we will start checking into the options of IVF and adoption, and see what we feel is right for us.
We would appreciate your prayers; prayers for healing, for understanding, for patience, and most of all a sense of peace. This month felt very FINAL, like this was the end of our journey, and I am struggling to remember that it's not over, that we WILL be parents one day, one way or another. I KNOW the Lord has plans for us, to give us a hope and a future, and we are just clinging to that right now. I may not have the promise that Sarah did, that I will bear a child, but I do have the promise that the Lord has a plan for our lives, and I am resting in that. I wish I knew what the plan was, or even when it might happen, but then that wouldn't really be relying on faith, would it? This is by far the hardest thing that Mike and I have ever gone through, and I guess the Lord must think an awful lot of us to think that we could handle something like this. As we are about to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary next month, Mike and I are extremely thankful for our incredible marriage, and that we have each other to lean on through these times. We are also so blessed by family and friends who continue to love us, encourage us, and pray for us. But most of all, we are grateful for a loving God who comes alongside us during the hard times and gives us the strength to get through another day, when we don't have it within us to do it on our own.
We went through taking the pills and giving myself the shots, and when we went in for the first sonogram, the doctor said that my right and left ovaries were both responding, and they were about even, which was good news. I went back 2 days later and the doctor was really happy to tell me that my left ovary had pulled ahead, and I would definitely ovulate from that side, giving us a much better chance of getting pregnant this month! We were so thrilled that my left side FINALLY responded and went ahead with the IUI 2 days after that sonogram.
Then came the 2 week wait...I always hate this time, but I was relatively calm about this one because I was so HOPEFUL that this could be the month. Everything went the way it was supposed to, and about a week and a half into the wait I began to have symptoms of pregnancy. I was really tired and really hungry, which were my main 2 symptoms with my other 2 pregnancies. I began taking extra care of my body, just in case I was pregnant. We went to Vegas for 5 days for my brother's wedding, which was a great distraction, and got back last Tuesday. I was scheduled to go in for the blood pregnancy test on Friday, and couldn't wait for the day to get here!
Usually about 2 days before I start my period, I have early signs of cramping and I can just tell that I am about to start my period. The last 3 months, I have actually started my period before the doctor even called with the blood pregnancy test results. I took that as a good sign that by Friday, I was still not feeling at all like I would be starting my period. I was also still tired and hungry, so I was just convinced that I was pregnant. On Thursday night, I even said to Mike, "I'm going to be surprised tomorrow if they call me and tell me I'm NOT pregnant....that's how sure I was.
Friday came, and I went in for my blood pregnancy test at 8. They always tell you they will call you after 4:00 that day, so I went back to work to wait on the call. I was nervous, but in good spirits, sure I was going to get great news! The doctor's office called about 1:30, which surprised me, and I picked up immediately. Then came the verdict from the nurse:
"I'm sorry, but I don't have good news for you."
She told me the blood pregnancy test was negative, and I was shocked. I asked her to verify my levels, and even went and took a home pregnancy test just to confirm (as if that would be any more accurate than the BLOOD test!) I was devastated, more so than I have been in a long time. I called Mike and sent out a text to some close friends and family, and then I just lost it. I was SO sure. I just couldn't believe it, and I was so heartbroken I could barely breathe or think. I learned a long time ago during this journey to not get my hopes up, but this month I couldn't help it. My body responded the way it was supposed to, I had symptoms, my period was late for the first time ever while on the fertility drugs...it just didn't make any sense.
We got that news on Friday and have been dealing with it since then. I told Mike that because our hopes were so high and because this was our last month of treatments, this disappointing news was almost as bad for me as our 2 miscarriages...that's how devastated I was. I know that is hard to understand, but I had already begun making plans for this baby that I thought I would be carrying. It was a very rough weekend emotionally, and then I ended up having the period from hell, which only made things worse. I had the worst period I've had in years, and I guess maybe that's why I was experiencing such strong symptoms the few weeks before. Needless to say, not my favorite way to spend a weekend!
Now Mike and I are faced with trying to heal from the past 2 years, trying to understand why this has all happened, and trying to figure out where we go from here. We are taking a break for awhile to pray about the direction the Lord would have us go. The next step for us would either be In-Vitro or adoption, both of which are huge decisions and require lots of money, so we don't want to jump into anything. Plus, our emotions and our hearts need a break. These past 2 years have been a beating, and we want to spend some time just being together and enjoying each other, without the pressure of trying to conceive. I am looking forward to not having to plan our lives around shots, have 6 doctor's appointments a month, and worrying about making sure I do everything at the right time. I am also curious to see what my body does now that I am off all of the fertility drugs, since I have been on something for the last 15 months straight. We are focusing on relaxing, getting healthy, spending time together, and growing closer to the Lord through this time. We aren't tracking ANYTHING this month, and maybe for a few months. We also aren't discussing or checking into other options right now. We are simply taking one day at a time, and when we feel like moving forward, we will start checking into the options of IVF and adoption, and see what we feel is right for us.
We would appreciate your prayers; prayers for healing, for understanding, for patience, and most of all a sense of peace. This month felt very FINAL, like this was the end of our journey, and I am struggling to remember that it's not over, that we WILL be parents one day, one way or another. I KNOW the Lord has plans for us, to give us a hope and a future, and we are just clinging to that right now. I may not have the promise that Sarah did, that I will bear a child, but I do have the promise that the Lord has a plan for our lives, and I am resting in that. I wish I knew what the plan was, or even when it might happen, but then that wouldn't really be relying on faith, would it? This is by far the hardest thing that Mike and I have ever gone through, and I guess the Lord must think an awful lot of us to think that we could handle something like this. As we are about to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary next month, Mike and I are extremely thankful for our incredible marriage, and that we have each other to lean on through these times. We are also so blessed by family and friends who continue to love us, encourage us, and pray for us. But most of all, we are grateful for a loving God who comes alongside us during the hard times and gives us the strength to get through another day, when we don't have it within us to do it on our own.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Waiting
It seems that this week the Lord is speaking to me in a lot of different ways about the same topic: WAITING. I consider myself a patient person, but the waiting involved in the infertility process can test the most saintly person's patience! In the bible study I am doing called, "Surviving Infertility: What the Bible Says About Your Baby Hunger", this week's lesson was entitled "Faith & Waiting". Below is an excerpt from the study that explains it beautifully:
"So much of the fight for our sanity in the quest for a baby is waiting. We wait for the next cycle to begin. We wait for the next round of IUI or IVF. We wait for the blood test. We wait to get past the point of the last miscarriage. Everybody despises the dreaded two-week wait. It seems like all we do is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells us to wait? After a while, we get weary in battle. We can boldly proclaim--at the beginning--that this is merely a season in our lives and we know God will show himself mighty on our behalf. Our faith is strong! But then month after month passes with no baby. Year after year, our nurseries and wombs remain silent. Sometimes faith grows weaker as the wait grows longer."
I know that was a long passage, but I felt that it described the waiting process that goes along with infertility very poignantly. Waiting is without a doubt one of the hardest parts of infertility, especially because there are times when I doubt that at the end of the waiting I will have a baby. It is also such a hard balance of waiting on the Lord but at the same time taking action to treat the physical issues I have that have caused problems with me getting pregnant and with miscarriage.
In this session in the bible study, the author details the struggle that Abraham and Sarah went through to have a baby. The Lord promised a child to Abraham and Sarah, but they had to wait 25 years for that promise to become a reality. Throughout that time, Abraham stayed pretty firm in his faith, believing that the Lord would follow through on His word. Sarah, on the other hand, got impatient and tried to take matters into her own hands (which didn't go so well!) When the Lord's messengers came to Abraham and Sarah to tell them that they would have a child by this time next year, Sarah laughed sarcastically, because she knew she was well past the child-bearing years. One of the Lord's messengers heard her and called her on her unbelief, reiterating to her that she would indeed have a child the following year.
I think it's so easy for us to read about Sarah's journey with infertility and say to ourselves, "I would NEVER do what Sarah did, I would never doubt the Lord's promises." But being in the midst of this struggle for a fraction of the time that Sarah endured it has made me really relate to her. Sarah's laugh was not a disrespectful mocking, but a cry of pain and a defense mechanism. I too have laughed and joked sarcastically about never having children, when really it kills me inside to think of that possibility. I have also done that in an attempt to not get my hopes up AGAIN...just for more disappointment at the end of the month. I am so thankful that the Lord allows us to experience all feelings, and He knows us well enough to know what our hearts are crying out, even if our words or actions try to cover it up. The author said it like this:
"He [the Lord] heard the cries of her heart. He knew what she was thinking and feeling even if she laughed to herself. Sarah's laughter said all the things her words were incapable of voicing and God heard every unspoken word. Her silent laughter told all the frustration of all the years of watching other women grow their bellies and their families, while her womb and her tent remained quiet. Her laughter cried the devastation of growing old without grandchildren, of no child to call her 'Mama'. God heard every frustration even though Sarah never uttered a spoken word. You don't have to put your feelings into words for God to know the hurts your heart carries. Sometimes, there are no words to describe how you feel inside. What a relief to know that God hears the cry of your heart, even when you cannot tell Him, or anyone else, what you are feeling."
And despite Sarah's sarcastic laugh and unbelief, the Lord still made good on His promise to give her a child and make her a mother. I have had so many people insinuate (and actually SAY) to me that if I had more faith, the Lord would grant me a child. Or people say, "If the Lord wants you to be a mother, you'll get pregnant, and if not, He won't allow you to get pregnant." I don't believe that. I don't believe that the loving God that I serve is picking on me, or is withholding the joy of motherhood until I deserve it. If we all had to wait to receive blessings until we deserved them, we would all be in sad shape! God finds favor with us when we are unworthy...that's the power of GRACE. I am so thankful for God's grace, especially through this time. Lord knows I have many thoughts that make me unworthy, but I am so thankful that I serve a God who blesses us despite our faults!
The author used the examples of Abraham and Sarah, David, and Joseph to illustrate that God was WORKING during those times of waiting. Abraham and Sarah waited 25 years to become parents. David waited many years to become King. Joseph waited almost 20 years before his dream became a reality. But through the waiting times of these men and women, the Lord was actively working "behind the scenes". I think sometimes we assume that if we can't actually see or experience God's hand at work, then He must be just up there chillin' on his throne, half-asleep, sipping a latte, when in fact, He is working on us and circumstances around us until His perfect timing is revealed.
There are many instances in scripture that refer to God's timing coming to pass: Things happened "in due time", "in the fullness of time", "at the right time", and at the "appointed time". The common denominator in all of these phrases is that these things happened in GOD'S TIMING. That is such a hard concept for me. There are times when I vehemently want the Lord's timing to be revealed using words like "next year"or "next month" so that I have a clear picture of WHEN our prayers will be answered. But I also know that His plans are perfect and if He is not revealing His timing and His plan to me right now, there is a reason and a purpose. Waiting on the Lord's timing is a DAILY struggle for me when it comes to waiting for a baby, but one way I can see the Lord working during this time is by sending me constant reminders of his goodness, his faithfulness, and the promise that our reward is coming!
On Friday, we found out that we did not get pregnant this month, and yesterday I went back to Dr. K to begin our next and last IUI cycle. He is being a little more aggressive with my meds this month, and our prayer is that this can get my left ovary to respond, since it has not for the past 3 months. I will take the Clomid and do the injections starting yesterday until Sunday, and I will go back Monday for a sonogram to see if the left side responded. This week is going to be a process of waiting to see if my body responds, and then the dreaded 2 week wait to see if I am pregnant, and if it doesn't work, we will be taking a break and waiting on clear direction from the Lord before we pursue any other options. Our prayer for this month is that the left side responds so that we at least have a CHANCE of getting pregnant. If the left side responds, at least I can walk away from this process knowing that we tried everything we could, it just wasn't the Lord's timing yet.
I know the waiting for us is not over, and it's definitely not something that I have mastered BY ANY MEANS, but through this season of waiting I am thankful for God's grace, his forgiveness, and His constant reminders to me that He is still present and evident, even during these waiting periods.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Encouragement and Understanding
One of the main reasons I wanted to share our journey with infertility is to minister to other women going through this struggle. It's an unbelievably hard thing to go through, but going through it alone is even worse. Also, I wanted to bring this issue to light, and help those who haven't been there understand a little bit of what we go through on a daily basis. Sometimes, insensitivity can cause deep wounds in a woman battling infertility, and many times insensitivity is caused by the inability to be empathic.
Okay, I'm going to play the therapy card here and explain what empathy means: Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling. This is different from sympathy, which is feeling sorry for someone. An empathic person tries to put themselves in someone else's shoes. A sympathetic person thinks, "Oh that's too bad for them, I'm glad that's not me"; an empathic person thinks, "Because I can imagine what they are going through, I am going to do whatever I can to be sensitive to their feelings." Empathy doesn't mean that you will ever truly understand someone's situation, but it means that you want to try...and sometimes that is the best thing you can do for a woman going through this difficult journey.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a detail-oriented, organized planner and I like to be informed. If a client of mine is dealing with something I'm not experienced with, I ask them to educate me, and do what I can to educate myself. Infertility has been the same for me. I have read several books, blogs, articles, etc. for more information, but perhaps the most helpful information that I have found throughout this journey is the encouraging blogs, websites and books that have been recommended to me by friends and other women who are going through or have gone through the struggle of infertility. The factual information is helpful, but the most cathartic thing for me are the personal testimonies written by women who have been there and can put into words exactly what I am feeling. I want to use the platform of my blog to share these resources with other ladies who can benefit from them as well.
One of the reasons I decided to blog about my journey was because of reading a woman named Hannah Bunker's blog. I have no personal connection to her, a friend of mine just shared the link to her blog with me and it has been a great encouragement to me. She is honest, funny, and expresses a godly view of the struggle of infertility. I would highly encourage anyone to read her blog! The part of her blog that contains the fertility posts is called "Waiting for Grace". (She also blogs about photography and blogging). Here is the link: www.hannahbunker.com/waiting-for-grace.
Through Hannah's blog, I found a ministry called "Dancing Upon Barren Land: Spiritual Nourishment for the Infertility Road". This website contains devotionals and prayers designed exclusively for women going through infertility, and it has a lot of great resources linked to it as well. Here is the link: www.dancinguponbarrenland.com.
Another really awesome encouragement to me has been the Stepping Stones Ministry of Bethany Christian Services. They publish a newsletter 6 times per year to offer hope and support to Christian couples who are facing fertility challenges. The newsletters have personal stories, poems, and information that I have found speak to me on a very personal level. The link to this website (including the way to sign up for the newsletters) is at the following link: www.step.bethany.org.
A funny and informative book that was given to me by a friend is called "A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility" by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. Sometimes it's good to just get a good laugh about the insanity of infertility...and insanity it is!
A bible study that I have just started but was highly recommended is called "Surviving Infertility: What the Bible Says About Your Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus. As I said, I have just started this study but I have heard great things about it.
I hope that you will find some of these resources helpful if you are going through infertility, or that you can pass these along to a woman you know who is dealing with infertility. One of the ways I hope to educate those who haven't experienced infertility is by sharing some parts from several of the above resources about what NOT to do and say when dealing with fertility challenged friends. I always joke that by the end of this I will be able to write a book on what not to say to those struggling with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, and I have found several women who have put my feelings into words for me.
The first list that is a must-read when trying to know how to (or how not to) talk to and approach your fertility challenged friends is a post on Hannah Bunker's blog entitled: "The Dos and Donts of Dealing with a Fertility Challenged Friend". She does a great job of expressing this topic, and the link to this specific post is as follows: www.hannahbunker.com/waiting-for-grace-the-dos-and-donts-of-dealing-with-a-fertility-challenged-friend.
The next 2 pictures that I am going to upload (hopefully you can read them!) are from the Stepping Stones newsletters. The first is a short list about things said to women dealing with infertility that can be harmful, entitled "Just Relax". It's in the Mar/Apr edition of the Stepping Stones newsletter, just in case you can't read the picture I post. The second picture is an article from the Stepping Stones Jan/Feb newsletter entitled "After My Miscarriage" that tells you things not to say to a woman who has just experienced a miscarriage. None of these lists are meant to cast blame or point fingers, but rather to help those unfamiliar with the struggles of infertility to be able to relate better and be more sensitive to those in the midst of the battle. I hope these resources will educate, encourage, and speak to my fellow women struggling with infertility, as well as the friends and family we are surrounded by and interact with on a daily basis.
Okay, I'm going to play the therapy card here and explain what empathy means: Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling. This is different from sympathy, which is feeling sorry for someone. An empathic person tries to put themselves in someone else's shoes. A sympathetic person thinks, "Oh that's too bad for them, I'm glad that's not me"; an empathic person thinks, "Because I can imagine what they are going through, I am going to do whatever I can to be sensitive to their feelings." Empathy doesn't mean that you will ever truly understand someone's situation, but it means that you want to try...and sometimes that is the best thing you can do for a woman going through this difficult journey.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a detail-oriented, organized planner and I like to be informed. If a client of mine is dealing with something I'm not experienced with, I ask them to educate me, and do what I can to educate myself. Infertility has been the same for me. I have read several books, blogs, articles, etc. for more information, but perhaps the most helpful information that I have found throughout this journey is the encouraging blogs, websites and books that have been recommended to me by friends and other women who are going through or have gone through the struggle of infertility. The factual information is helpful, but the most cathartic thing for me are the personal testimonies written by women who have been there and can put into words exactly what I am feeling. I want to use the platform of my blog to share these resources with other ladies who can benefit from them as well.
One of the reasons I decided to blog about my journey was because of reading a woman named Hannah Bunker's blog. I have no personal connection to her, a friend of mine just shared the link to her blog with me and it has been a great encouragement to me. She is honest, funny, and expresses a godly view of the struggle of infertility. I would highly encourage anyone to read her blog! The part of her blog that contains the fertility posts is called "Waiting for Grace". (She also blogs about photography and blogging). Here is the link: www.hannahbunker.com/waiting-for-grace.
Through Hannah's blog, I found a ministry called "Dancing Upon Barren Land: Spiritual Nourishment for the Infertility Road". This website contains devotionals and prayers designed exclusively for women going through infertility, and it has a lot of great resources linked to it as well. Here is the link: www.dancinguponbarrenland.com.
Another really awesome encouragement to me has been the Stepping Stones Ministry of Bethany Christian Services. They publish a newsletter 6 times per year to offer hope and support to Christian couples who are facing fertility challenges. The newsletters have personal stories, poems, and information that I have found speak to me on a very personal level. The link to this website (including the way to sign up for the newsletters) is at the following link: www.step.bethany.org.
A funny and informative book that was given to me by a friend is called "A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility" by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. Sometimes it's good to just get a good laugh about the insanity of infertility...and insanity it is!
A bible study that I have just started but was highly recommended is called "Surviving Infertility: What the Bible Says About Your Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus. As I said, I have just started this study but I have heard great things about it.
I hope that you will find some of these resources helpful if you are going through infertility, or that you can pass these along to a woman you know who is dealing with infertility. One of the ways I hope to educate those who haven't experienced infertility is by sharing some parts from several of the above resources about what NOT to do and say when dealing with fertility challenged friends. I always joke that by the end of this I will be able to write a book on what not to say to those struggling with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, and I have found several women who have put my feelings into words for me.
The first list that is a must-read when trying to know how to (or how not to) talk to and approach your fertility challenged friends is a post on Hannah Bunker's blog entitled: "The Dos and Donts of Dealing with a Fertility Challenged Friend". She does a great job of expressing this topic, and the link to this specific post is as follows: www.hannahbunker.com/waiting-for-grace-the-dos-and-donts-of-dealing-with-a-fertility-challenged-friend.
The next 2 pictures that I am going to upload (hopefully you can read them!) are from the Stepping Stones newsletters. The first is a short list about things said to women dealing with infertility that can be harmful, entitled "Just Relax". It's in the Mar/Apr edition of the Stepping Stones newsletter, just in case you can't read the picture I post. The second picture is an article from the Stepping Stones Jan/Feb newsletter entitled "After My Miscarriage" that tells you things not to say to a woman who has just experienced a miscarriage. None of these lists are meant to cast blame or point fingers, but rather to help those unfamiliar with the struggles of infertility to be able to relate better and be more sensitive to those in the midst of the battle. I hope these resources will educate, encourage, and speak to my fellow women struggling with infertility, as well as the friends and family we are surrounded by and interact with on a daily basis.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Latest Update...
...equals more frustration!! This month, we went into the IUI cycle planning for this to be our last month of treatments, at least until we figure out what to do next. If you will recall, last month we did all of the treatments up until the IUI, and then didn't get to do the IUI because the egg would be coming from the right side, which is the side with my blocked fallopian tube. That gave us a 15% chance to get pregnant, so we decided to just try on our own and then do our last IUI in March.
Well...the exact same thing happened this month! In a typical woman, the ovaries switch back and forth each month which ovary releases the egg. Apparently, I am not the typical woman, because it just keeps coming from the right. It's so frustrating because we know it CAN come from the left ovary, because it did both times I got pregnant. The problem is, there's no way to make it come from one ovary or the other, we just have to rely on my body to do the right thing.
At my appointment, when Dr. K asked me what I wanted to do, I asked him, "What do you think I should do?" His response was, "I don't know, I'm kind of stumped." NOT what you want to hear from someone you are paying a lot of money to in order to get you pregnant! He then proceeded to lay out several options, none of which were promising, and asked me to talk to Mike and then call him the next day. He said he would also think about it that night and would hopefully have a better idea the next day. I do appreciate his honesty and his willingness to take the time to figure out the best plan instead of jumping into something...but it's still not very comforting to hear that the specialist is stumped!
Our options basically consisted of trying on our own, doing the IUI anyway, going to IVF, or doing a surgery to try to clear out the tube. We tried on our own last month and it didn't work, a 15% chance is not great odds to pay for an IUI cycle, and we're not ready for IVF just yet. When I asked about the surgery, he said that he could get in there and not be able to do anything, or he could clear it out and it still not be a good tube, and it could make me more susceptible to a tubal pregnancy. We also found out later that it would cost us about $4500 even with my insurance, so we immediately ruled out that option.
After talking to each other and Dr. K, Mike and I decided to just try on our own this month, and then try one more month of IUI in April, doing the IUI no matter what. We decided that surely it can't come from the right side AGAIN, right? We figure it's either the third time's a charm, or 3 strikes and we're out! Either way, next month will be our last month of treatments and then we will be taking some time off to pray about and research other options, mainly IVF and adoption. We both want to feel a peace about whatever option we choose, and we know finances will also come into play, as neither option is cheap by any means! Of course, in the meantime we are praying that we get pregnant in either of the next 2 months so we don't have to worry about any of this, but we can't bank on that. This whole process is such a balance of taking one day at a time, but at the same time having a plan of what to do next.
We would greatly appreciate the continued prayers for us. I feel like each month gets harder...each month we are a little more heartbroken, a little more frustrated, and sometimes even a little more bitter. I have also noticed this taking it's toll on Mike in ways it hasn't before, and that is hard for me to see. Mike never gets stressed or down, so when he does with this infertility stuff, that's when I know we're probably getting ready for a break from all of this. Realistically, I know even if we stop treatments, we won't be really getting a break, because it will still consume our minds as much, and our desire for a baby will not lessen. We are just praying that during the break we will feel an all-consuming presence of the Lord, and that He will give us a sense of peace and direction that can only come from Him. Our prayer is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what to do next...because right now we are at a loss! As always, thanks for the continued prayers and support. When it's hard to be hopeful and keep the faith for ourselves, it's comforting to know that we have so many people around us praying and hoping for us!
Well...the exact same thing happened this month! In a typical woman, the ovaries switch back and forth each month which ovary releases the egg. Apparently, I am not the typical woman, because it just keeps coming from the right. It's so frustrating because we know it CAN come from the left ovary, because it did both times I got pregnant. The problem is, there's no way to make it come from one ovary or the other, we just have to rely on my body to do the right thing.
At my appointment, when Dr. K asked me what I wanted to do, I asked him, "What do you think I should do?" His response was, "I don't know, I'm kind of stumped." NOT what you want to hear from someone you are paying a lot of money to in order to get you pregnant! He then proceeded to lay out several options, none of which were promising, and asked me to talk to Mike and then call him the next day. He said he would also think about it that night and would hopefully have a better idea the next day. I do appreciate his honesty and his willingness to take the time to figure out the best plan instead of jumping into something...but it's still not very comforting to hear that the specialist is stumped!
Our options basically consisted of trying on our own, doing the IUI anyway, going to IVF, or doing a surgery to try to clear out the tube. We tried on our own last month and it didn't work, a 15% chance is not great odds to pay for an IUI cycle, and we're not ready for IVF just yet. When I asked about the surgery, he said that he could get in there and not be able to do anything, or he could clear it out and it still not be a good tube, and it could make me more susceptible to a tubal pregnancy. We also found out later that it would cost us about $4500 even with my insurance, so we immediately ruled out that option.
After talking to each other and Dr. K, Mike and I decided to just try on our own this month, and then try one more month of IUI in April, doing the IUI no matter what. We decided that surely it can't come from the right side AGAIN, right? We figure it's either the third time's a charm, or 3 strikes and we're out! Either way, next month will be our last month of treatments and then we will be taking some time off to pray about and research other options, mainly IVF and adoption. We both want to feel a peace about whatever option we choose, and we know finances will also come into play, as neither option is cheap by any means! Of course, in the meantime we are praying that we get pregnant in either of the next 2 months so we don't have to worry about any of this, but we can't bank on that. This whole process is such a balance of taking one day at a time, but at the same time having a plan of what to do next.
We would greatly appreciate the continued prayers for us. I feel like each month gets harder...each month we are a little more heartbroken, a little more frustrated, and sometimes even a little more bitter. I have also noticed this taking it's toll on Mike in ways it hasn't before, and that is hard for me to see. Mike never gets stressed or down, so when he does with this infertility stuff, that's when I know we're probably getting ready for a break from all of this. Realistically, I know even if we stop treatments, we won't be really getting a break, because it will still consume our minds as much, and our desire for a baby will not lessen. We are just praying that during the break we will feel an all-consuming presence of the Lord, and that He will give us a sense of peace and direction that can only come from Him. Our prayer is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what to do next...because right now we are at a loss! As always, thanks for the continued prayers and support. When it's hard to be hopeful and keep the faith for ourselves, it's comforting to know that we have so many people around us praying and hoping for us!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
December until now...
After our second miscarriage in early December, Mike and I were feeling very drained and not wanting to jump back into trying to have a baby like we did after the first miscarriage. It was almost bizarre how differently I felt after the second miscarriage when compared to the first. I was much angrier this time, and felt like I was saying, "Really, Lord? REALLY?" It is such a hard thing not to become bitter in this journey, and that is definitely something I have struggled with, and still struggle with to this day. Mike and I had to take a month off after the miscarriage, and we weren't even sure we would resume treatments in January. Dr. K asked us to come in for blood work so we could try to figure out why I was miscarrying. He felt like we had figured out why I couldn't get pregnant, and now he wanted to figure out why I couldn't sustain a pregnancy. We did the blood tests and Dr. K said he would call us to come back in January after all of the tests were back to discuss the results.
Mike and I had been praying that through the blood tests they would figure out why I was miscarrying, and that it would be something we could fix. I was extremely nervous going into the appointment, but tried to stay calm. When we sat down with Dr. K and he opened my file, I immediately noticed that on the page of test results, one line was highlighted. I felt like my heart stopped...all I could think was, "They found something!" but I didn't know if that was going to be good news or bad news.
After explaining all of the things that weren't wrong, he said that one of the tests came back abnormal. One test was positive for a DNA mutation in me, called Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase (MTHFR). Try to say that 3 times fast! Basically, it is a condition I was born with that makes me severely deficient in Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12...all of which are very important in being able to carry a baby full term. [On a side note, when I told my younger brother that I had a DNA mutation, his first question was, "Are you an Xmen??" He even gave me an Xmen name! LOL] This deficiency can also make you more susceptible to blood clots, heart disease, miscarriage and neural tube defects in babies (like spina bifida). Obviously, all of this sounded really strange and scary, but then Dr. K told us the good news...the treatment for this was vitamins! For the rest of my life, I will take a vitamin called Folguard that has very high doses of Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12 in it, in addition to my prenatal vitamin. Once I become pregnant again, I will increase the Folguard vitamin to 2 a day, plus my prenatal vitamin. Dr. K said he had now checked everything on me and he was very confident that this was the reason I had been miscarrying.
We really felt like the Lord has answered our prayers about finding something they could fix...and as easily as taking a vitamin! We felt like this was the first ray of hope that we had received in a while, and it gave us the desire back to resume treatments. Another good thing was that we could start back in right away with an IUI cycle for January. We felt confident and excited that if I could just get pregnant again, we would have a much higher chance to carry full-term.
We completed the first IUI cycle of 2012 in January, but it was not successful. The day I found out, I was just crushed. I guess I just thought that we had gone through this really hard past year to find out this important information about me that we probably wouldn't have ever found out otherwise, and now it was time for this to work for us. I always think that maybe I will get used to the negative pregnancy test after so many months of the same result, but it's never any easier. In fact, it's harder each month...harder not to want to just quit and give up, harder not to become depressed, and harder to not grow bitter with the Lord and the 6,754 other women around me announcing their pregnancies and celebrating the births of their children. Of course, I am so happy for those women when it happens for them because it's something I want with all of my heart, but it's so hard not to think, "When will it be MY turn?"
Mike and I had decided in January that we would do 3 more IUI cycles and then take a break from the treatments for awhile. So the day after I found out I wasn't pregnant in January, I was back at Dr. K's office to begin our IUI cycle in February. [That is such a hard thing about fertility treatments...there is no break in between cycles! You have no time to grieve the loss and the disappointment before you're back at it again...it gets exhausting!] In February, we did the normal dosages of Clomid and the Follistim injections, and in my first sonogram Dr. K noticed that my right follicle was larger than my left, which meant that my right ovary would release the egg. Because my right fallopian tube is blocked, we really want the egg to release from the left side. (I had released from the left side when I got pregnant before.) They had me do more injections and come back for some more sonograms (4 total this month...yes, I was at Dr. K's office 7 times this month!!) At my last sonogram, the left follicle hadn't done anything, so they were convinced that the follicle would be coming from the right side. Dr. K said that meant we had a 15% chance of getting pregnant this month. 15%...wow, not the odds we wanted to hear when we're spending so much money to try to INCREASE our odds! Dr. K suggested that we wait until the next month to do an IUI to save us some money. (In reality, we still spent MORE money than normal because of all of the extra sonograms, and we didn't even get to do the IUI! SOOOO frustrating!!) Dr. K told us to try on our own and then come back in 2 weeks for a blood pregnancy test.
Unfortunately, we did not get pregnant in February either. I wasn't really that surprised, since I knew it was a 15% chance, but of course I was still so disappointed. I was also frustrated that we had spent $2500 in 2 months and had nothing to show for it. (And I got even more frustrated when I realized we've spent almost $7,000 since August with nothing to show for it!) After those results, I told Mike, "I only have one more cycle of this in me right now, and then I'm done for awhile." Mike agreed, so we decided that March of 2012 (which marks 2 years that we have been trying to conceive) will be our last IUI cycle, at least for now.
Dr. K actually recommended the same thing, and said that if this month doesn't work, he would recommend In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) as a next step for us. In the past, this has always really scared me, but I felt like he gave us some encouraging news about IVF. He said that because of my age and my eggs, it would probably have a 60% chance of success for us. Also, because I respond well to the fertility drugs, I would need a much lower dosage of them, so it would only be about $11-12,000 instead of $15,000-$20,000 that it normally costs. All that being said, that is still a LOT of money for something that's not guaranteed. And if we do that, we would have no money left in savings for adoption or anything else. This only reinforced mine and Mike's decision to try once more with IUI and then take a break to pray about the situation and see what we feel like the Lord wants us to do.
So that catches you up to present day...we are currently in our 3rd IUI cycle of the year, and the last one for awhile...maybe forever. I'm almost scared to be hopeful this month, which is a place I don't want to be but don't really know how to prevent. Of course I would love to think that THIS will be the month the Lord will bless us with a pregnancy, but I think that every month and it's only happened 2 times out of the past 24 months. In a way, I think a break will be good for me, because this process is so draining on me time-wise, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially (same for Mike, except for the physical part). But another part of me knows that I am going to be really sad when we stop treatments because I will feel like I'm giving up. Because it's been so hard for us to get pregnant even WITH the fertility treatments, I'm so scared to try on our own while we figure things out because that will just delay the process longer. No matter what option we are faced with, it will mean more waiting, and that is so hard because we have already been waiting 2 years to have this dream realized.
We do know that we serve an Almighty God who has plans to prosper us, not to harm us, and plans to give us a hope and a future. I think my prayer this month (and the next however many months) is for the Lord to reveal to us how He plans for us to start our family. We firmly believe that we will be parents one day, we just aren't sure how or when. We ask for your continued prayers as we face this month, waiting on the Lord for direction and patience.
Mike and I had been praying that through the blood tests they would figure out why I was miscarrying, and that it would be something we could fix. I was extremely nervous going into the appointment, but tried to stay calm. When we sat down with Dr. K and he opened my file, I immediately noticed that on the page of test results, one line was highlighted. I felt like my heart stopped...all I could think was, "They found something!" but I didn't know if that was going to be good news or bad news.
After explaining all of the things that weren't wrong, he said that one of the tests came back abnormal. One test was positive for a DNA mutation in me, called Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase (MTHFR). Try to say that 3 times fast! Basically, it is a condition I was born with that makes me severely deficient in Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12...all of which are very important in being able to carry a baby full term. [On a side note, when I told my younger brother that I had a DNA mutation, his first question was, "Are you an Xmen??" He even gave me an Xmen name! LOL] This deficiency can also make you more susceptible to blood clots, heart disease, miscarriage and neural tube defects in babies (like spina bifida). Obviously, all of this sounded really strange and scary, but then Dr. K told us the good news...the treatment for this was vitamins! For the rest of my life, I will take a vitamin called Folguard that has very high doses of Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12 in it, in addition to my prenatal vitamin. Once I become pregnant again, I will increase the Folguard vitamin to 2 a day, plus my prenatal vitamin. Dr. K said he had now checked everything on me and he was very confident that this was the reason I had been miscarrying.
We really felt like the Lord has answered our prayers about finding something they could fix...and as easily as taking a vitamin! We felt like this was the first ray of hope that we had received in a while, and it gave us the desire back to resume treatments. Another good thing was that we could start back in right away with an IUI cycle for January. We felt confident and excited that if I could just get pregnant again, we would have a much higher chance to carry full-term.
We completed the first IUI cycle of 2012 in January, but it was not successful. The day I found out, I was just crushed. I guess I just thought that we had gone through this really hard past year to find out this important information about me that we probably wouldn't have ever found out otherwise, and now it was time for this to work for us. I always think that maybe I will get used to the negative pregnancy test after so many months of the same result, but it's never any easier. In fact, it's harder each month...harder not to want to just quit and give up, harder not to become depressed, and harder to not grow bitter with the Lord and the 6,754 other women around me announcing their pregnancies and celebrating the births of their children. Of course, I am so happy for those women when it happens for them because it's something I want with all of my heart, but it's so hard not to think, "When will it be MY turn?"
Mike and I had decided in January that we would do 3 more IUI cycles and then take a break from the treatments for awhile. So the day after I found out I wasn't pregnant in January, I was back at Dr. K's office to begin our IUI cycle in February. [That is such a hard thing about fertility treatments...there is no break in between cycles! You have no time to grieve the loss and the disappointment before you're back at it again...it gets exhausting!] In February, we did the normal dosages of Clomid and the Follistim injections, and in my first sonogram Dr. K noticed that my right follicle was larger than my left, which meant that my right ovary would release the egg. Because my right fallopian tube is blocked, we really want the egg to release from the left side. (I had released from the left side when I got pregnant before.) They had me do more injections and come back for some more sonograms (4 total this month...yes, I was at Dr. K's office 7 times this month!!) At my last sonogram, the left follicle hadn't done anything, so they were convinced that the follicle would be coming from the right side. Dr. K said that meant we had a 15% chance of getting pregnant this month. 15%...wow, not the odds we wanted to hear when we're spending so much money to try to INCREASE our odds! Dr. K suggested that we wait until the next month to do an IUI to save us some money. (In reality, we still spent MORE money than normal because of all of the extra sonograms, and we didn't even get to do the IUI! SOOOO frustrating!!) Dr. K told us to try on our own and then come back in 2 weeks for a blood pregnancy test.
Unfortunately, we did not get pregnant in February either. I wasn't really that surprised, since I knew it was a 15% chance, but of course I was still so disappointed. I was also frustrated that we had spent $2500 in 2 months and had nothing to show for it. (And I got even more frustrated when I realized we've spent almost $7,000 since August with nothing to show for it!) After those results, I told Mike, "I only have one more cycle of this in me right now, and then I'm done for awhile." Mike agreed, so we decided that March of 2012 (which marks 2 years that we have been trying to conceive) will be our last IUI cycle, at least for now.
Dr. K actually recommended the same thing, and said that if this month doesn't work, he would recommend In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) as a next step for us. In the past, this has always really scared me, but I felt like he gave us some encouraging news about IVF. He said that because of my age and my eggs, it would probably have a 60% chance of success for us. Also, because I respond well to the fertility drugs, I would need a much lower dosage of them, so it would only be about $11-12,000 instead of $15,000-$20,000 that it normally costs. All that being said, that is still a LOT of money for something that's not guaranteed. And if we do that, we would have no money left in savings for adoption or anything else. This only reinforced mine and Mike's decision to try once more with IUI and then take a break to pray about the situation and see what we feel like the Lord wants us to do.
So that catches you up to present day...we are currently in our 3rd IUI cycle of the year, and the last one for awhile...maybe forever. I'm almost scared to be hopeful this month, which is a place I don't want to be but don't really know how to prevent. Of course I would love to think that THIS will be the month the Lord will bless us with a pregnancy, but I think that every month and it's only happened 2 times out of the past 24 months. In a way, I think a break will be good for me, because this process is so draining on me time-wise, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially (same for Mike, except for the physical part). But another part of me knows that I am going to be really sad when we stop treatments because I will feel like I'm giving up. Because it's been so hard for us to get pregnant even WITH the fertility treatments, I'm so scared to try on our own while we figure things out because that will just delay the process longer. No matter what option we are faced with, it will mean more waiting, and that is so hard because we have already been waiting 2 years to have this dream realized.
We do know that we serve an Almighty God who has plans to prosper us, not to harm us, and plans to give us a hope and a future. I think my prayer this month (and the next however many months) is for the Lord to reveal to us how He plans for us to start our family. We firmly believe that we will be parents one day, we just aren't sure how or when. We ask for your continued prayers as we face this month, waiting on the Lord for direction and patience.
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