Encouragement and Understanding

One of the main reasons I wanted to share our journey with infertility is to minister to other women going through this struggle. It's an unbelievably hard thing to go through, but going through it alone is even worse. Also, I wanted to bring this issue to light, and help those who haven't been there understand a little bit of what we go through on a daily basis. Sometimes, insensitivity can cause deep wounds in a woman battling infertility, and many times insensitivity is caused by the inability to be empathic.
Okay, I'm going to play the therapy card here and explain what empathy means: Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling. This is different from sympathy, which is feeling sorry for someone. An empathic person tries to put themselves in someone else's shoes. A sympathetic person thinks, "Oh that's too bad for them, I'm glad that's not me"; an empathic person thinks, "Because I can imagine what they are going through, I am going to do whatever I can to be sensitive to their feelings." Empathy doesn't mean that you will ever truly understand someone's situation, but it means that you want to try...and sometimes that is the best thing you can do for a woman going through this difficult journey.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a detail-oriented, organized planner and I like to be informed. If  a client of mine is dealing with something I'm not experienced with, I ask them to educate me, and do what I can to educate myself. Infertility has been the same for me. I have read several books, blogs, articles, etc. for more information, but perhaps the most helpful information that I have found throughout this journey is the encouraging blogs, websites and books that have been recommended to me by friends and other women who are going through or have gone through the struggle of infertility. The factual information is helpful, but the most cathartic thing for me are the personal testimonies written by women who have been there and can put into words exactly what I am feeling. I want to use the platform of my blog to share these resources with other ladies who can benefit from them as well.
One of the reasons I decided to blog about my journey was because of reading a woman named Hannah Bunker's blog. I have no personal connection to her, a friend of mine just shared the link to her blog with me and it has been a great encouragement to me. She is honest, funny, and expresses a godly view of the struggle of infertility. I would highly encourage anyone to read her blog! The part of her blog that contains the fertility posts is called "Waiting for Grace". (She also blogs about photography and blogging). Here is the link: www.hannahbunker.com/waiting-for-grace.
Through Hannah's blog, I found a ministry called "Dancing Upon Barren Land: Spiritual Nourishment for the Infertility Road". This website contains devotionals and prayers designed exclusively for women going through infertility, and it has a lot of great resources linked to it as well. Here is the link: www.dancinguponbarrenland.com.
Another really awesome encouragement to me has been the Stepping Stones Ministry of Bethany Christian Services. They publish a newsletter 6 times per year to offer hope and support to Christian couples who are facing fertility challenges. The newsletters have personal stories, poems, and information that I have found speak to me on a very personal level. The link to this website (including the way to sign up for the newsletters) is at the following link: www.step.bethany.org.
A funny and informative book that was given to me by a friend is called "A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility" by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. Sometimes it's good to just get a good laugh about the insanity of infertility...and insanity it is!
A bible study that I have just started but was highly recommended is called "Surviving Infertility: What the Bible Says About Your Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus. As I said, I have just started this study but I have heard great things about it.
I hope that you will find some of these resources helpful if you are going through infertility, or that you can pass these along to a woman you know who is dealing with infertility. One of the ways I hope to educate those who haven't experienced infertility is by sharing some parts from several of the above resources about what NOT to do and say when dealing with fertility challenged friends. I always joke that by the end of this I will be able to write a book on what not to say to those struggling with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, and I have found several women who have put my feelings into words for me.
The first list that is a must-read when trying to know how to (or how not to) talk to and approach your fertility challenged friends is a post on Hannah Bunker's blog entitled: "The Dos and Donts of Dealing with a Fertility Challenged Friend". She does a great job of expressing this topic, and the link to this specific post is as follows: www.hannahbunker.com/waiting-for-grace-the-dos-and-donts-of-dealing-with-a-fertility-challenged-friend.
The next 2 pictures that I am going to upload (hopefully you can read them!) are from the Stepping Stones newsletters. The first is a short list about things said to women dealing with infertility that can be harmful, entitled "Just Relax". It's in the Mar/Apr edition of the Stepping Stones newsletter, just in case you can't read the picture I post. The second picture is an article from the Stepping Stones Jan/Feb newsletter entitled "After My Miscarriage" that tells you things not to say to a woman who has just experienced a miscarriage. None of these lists are meant to cast blame or point fingers, but rather to help those unfamiliar with the struggles of infertility to be able to relate better and be more sensitive to those in the midst of the battle. I hope these resources will educate, encourage, and speak to my fellow women struggling with infertility, as well as the friends and family we are surrounded by and interact with on a daily basis.

Latest Update...

...equals more frustration!! This month, we went into the IUI cycle planning for this to be our last month of treatments, at least until we figure out what to do next. If you will recall, last month we did all of the treatments up until the IUI, and then didn't get to do the IUI because the egg would be coming from the right side, which is the side with my blocked fallopian tube. That gave us a 15% chance to get pregnant, so we decided to just try on our own and then do our last IUI in March.

Well...the exact same thing happened this month! In a typical woman, the ovaries switch back and forth each month which ovary releases the egg. Apparently, I am not the typical woman, because it just keeps coming from the right. It's so frustrating because we know it CAN come from the left ovary, because it did both times I got pregnant. The problem is, there's no way to make it come from one ovary or the other, we just have to rely on my body to do the right thing.

At my appointment, when Dr. K asked me what I wanted to do, I asked him, "What do you think I should do?" His response was, "I don't know, I'm kind of stumped." NOT what you want to hear from someone you are paying a lot of money to in order to get you pregnant! He then proceeded to lay out several options, none of which were promising, and asked me to talk to Mike and then call him the next day. He said he would also think about it that night and would hopefully have a better idea the next day. I do appreciate his honesty and his willingness to take the time to figure out the best plan instead of jumping into something...but it's still not very comforting to hear that the specialist is stumped!

Our options basically consisted of trying on our own, doing the IUI anyway, going to IVF, or doing a surgery to try to clear out the tube. We tried on our own last month and it didn't work, a 15% chance is not great odds to pay for an IUI cycle, and we're not ready for IVF just yet. When I asked about the surgery, he said that he could get in there and not be able to do anything, or he could clear it out and it still not be a good tube, and it could make me more susceptible to a tubal pregnancy. We also found out later that it would cost us about $4500 even with my insurance, so we immediately ruled out that option.

After talking to each other and Dr. K, Mike and I decided to just try on our own this month, and then try one more month of IUI in April, doing the IUI no matter what. We decided that surely it can't come from the right side AGAIN, right? We figure it's either the third time's a charm, or 3 strikes and we're out! Either way, next month will be our last month of treatments and then we will be taking some time off to pray about and research other options, mainly IVF and adoption. We both want to feel a peace about whatever option we choose, and we know finances will also come into play, as neither option is cheap by any means! Of course, in the meantime we are praying that we get pregnant in either of the next 2 months so we don't have to worry about any of this, but we can't bank on that. This whole process is such a balance of taking one day at a time, but at the same time having a plan of what to do next.

We would greatly appreciate the continued prayers for us. I feel like each month gets harder...each month we are a little more heartbroken, a little more frustrated, and sometimes even a little more bitter. I have also noticed this taking it's toll on Mike in ways it hasn't before, and that is hard for me to see. Mike never gets stressed or down, so when he does with this infertility stuff, that's when I know we're probably getting ready for a break from all of this. Realistically, I know even if we stop treatments, we won't be really getting a break, because it will still consume our minds as much, and our desire for a baby will not lessen. We are just praying that during the break we will feel an all-consuming presence of the Lord, and that He will give us a sense of peace and direction that can only come from Him. Our prayer is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what to do next...because right now we are at a loss! As always, thanks for the continued prayers and support. When it's hard to be hopeful and keep the faith for ourselves, it's comforting to know that we have so many people around us praying and hoping for us!

December until now...

After our second miscarriage in early December, Mike and I were feeling very drained and not wanting to jump back into trying to have a baby like we did after the first miscarriage. It was almost bizarre how differently I felt after the second miscarriage when compared to the first. I was much angrier this time, and felt like I was saying, "Really, Lord? REALLY?" It is such a hard thing not to become bitter in this journey, and that is definitely something I have struggled with, and still struggle with to this day. Mike and I had to take a month off after the miscarriage, and we weren't even sure we would resume treatments in January. Dr. K asked us to come in for blood work so we could try to figure out why I was miscarrying. He felt like we had figured out why I couldn't get pregnant, and now he wanted to figure out why I couldn't sustain a pregnancy. We did the blood tests and Dr. K said he would call us to come back in January after all of the tests were back to discuss the results.

Mike and I had been praying that through the blood tests they would figure out why I was miscarrying, and that it would be something we could fix. I was extremely nervous going into the appointment, but tried to stay calm. When we sat down with Dr. K and he opened my file, I immediately noticed that on the page of test results, one line was highlighted. I felt like my heart stopped...all I could think was, "They found something!" but I didn't know if that was going to be good news or bad news.

After explaining all of the things that weren't wrong, he said that one of the tests came back abnormal. One test was positive for a DNA mutation in me, called Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase (MTHFR). Try to say that 3 times fast! Basically, it is a condition I was born with that makes me severely deficient in Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12...all of which are very important in being able to carry a baby full term. [On a side note, when I told my younger brother that I had a DNA mutation, his first question was, "Are you an Xmen??" He even gave me an Xmen name! LOL] This deficiency can also make you more susceptible to blood clots, heart disease, miscarriage and neural tube defects in babies (like spina bifida). Obviously, all of this sounded really strange and scary, but then Dr. K told us the good news...the treatment for this was vitamins! For the rest of my life, I will take a vitamin called Folguard that has very high doses of Folic Acid, Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12 in it, in addition to my prenatal vitamin. Once I become pregnant again, I will increase the Folguard vitamin to 2 a day, plus my prenatal vitamin. Dr. K said he had now checked everything on me and he was very confident that this was the reason I had been miscarrying.

We really felt like the Lord has answered our prayers about finding something they could fix...and as easily as taking a vitamin! We felt like this was the first ray of hope that we had received in a while, and it gave us the desire back to resume treatments. Another good thing was that we could start back in right away with an IUI cycle for January. We felt confident and excited that if I could just get pregnant again, we would have a much higher chance to carry full-term.

We completed the first IUI cycle of 2012 in January, but it was not successful. The day I found out, I was just crushed. I guess I just thought that we had gone through this really hard past year to find out this important information about me that we probably wouldn't have ever found out otherwise, and now it was time for this to work for us. I always think that maybe I will get used to the negative pregnancy test after so many months of the same result, but it's never any easier. In fact, it's harder each month...harder not to want to just quit and give up, harder not to become depressed, and harder to not grow bitter with the Lord and the 6,754 other women around me announcing their pregnancies and celebrating the births of their children. Of course, I am so happy for those women when it happens for them because it's something I want with all of my heart, but it's so hard not to think, "When will it be MY turn?"

Mike and I had decided in January that we would do 3 more IUI cycles and then take a break from the treatments for awhile. So the day after I found out I wasn't pregnant in January, I was back at Dr. K's office to begin our IUI cycle in February. [That is such a hard thing about fertility treatments...there is no break in between cycles! You have no time to grieve the loss and the disappointment before you're back at it again...it gets exhausting!] In February, we did the normal dosages of Clomid and the Follistim injections, and in my first sonogram Dr. K noticed that my right follicle was larger than my left, which meant that my right ovary would release the egg. Because my right fallopian tube is blocked, we really want the egg to release from the left side. (I had released from the left side when I got pregnant before.) They had me do more injections and come back for some more sonograms (4 total this month...yes, I was at Dr. K's office 7 times this month!!) At my last sonogram, the left follicle hadn't done anything, so they were convinced that the follicle would be coming from the right side. Dr. K said that meant we had a 15% chance of getting pregnant this month. 15%...wow, not the odds we wanted to hear when we're spending so much money to try to INCREASE our odds! Dr. K suggested that we wait until the next month to do an IUI to save us some money. (In reality, we still spent MORE money than normal because of all of the extra sonograms, and we didn't even get to do the IUI! SOOOO frustrating!!) Dr. K told us to try on our own and then come back in 2 weeks for a blood pregnancy test.

Unfortunately, we did not get pregnant in February either. I wasn't really that surprised, since I knew it was a 15% chance, but of course I was still so disappointed. I was also frustrated that we had spent $2500 in 2 months and had nothing to show for it. (And I got even more frustrated when I realized we've spent almost $7,000 since August with nothing to show for it!) After those results, I told Mike, "I only have one more cycle of this in me right now, and then I'm done for awhile." Mike agreed, so we decided that March of 2012 (which marks 2 years that we have been trying to conceive) will be our last IUI cycle, at least for now.

Dr. K actually recommended the same thing, and said that if this month doesn't work, he would recommend In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) as a next step for us. In the past, this has always really scared me, but I felt like he gave us some encouraging news about IVF. He said that because of my age and my eggs, it would probably have a 60% chance of success for us. Also, because I respond well to the fertility drugs, I would need a much lower dosage of them, so it would only be about $11-12,000 instead of $15,000-$20,000 that it normally costs. All that being said, that is still a LOT of money for something that's not guaranteed. And if we do that, we would have no money left in savings for adoption or anything else. This only reinforced mine and Mike's decision to try once more with IUI and then take a break to pray about the situation and see what we feel like the Lord wants us to do.

So that catches you up to present day...we are currently in our 3rd IUI cycle of the year, and the last one for awhile...maybe forever. I'm almost scared to be hopeful this month, which is a place I don't want to be but don't really know how to prevent. Of course I would love to think that THIS will be the month the Lord will bless us with a pregnancy, but I think that every month and it's only happened 2 times out of the past 24 months. In a way, I think a break will be good for me, because this process is so draining on me time-wise, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially (same for Mike, except for the physical part). But another part of me knows that I am going to be really sad when we stop treatments because I will feel like I'm giving up. Because it's been so hard for us to get pregnant even WITH the fertility treatments, I'm so scared to try on our own while we figure things out because that will just delay the process longer. No matter what option we are faced with, it will mean more waiting, and that is so hard because we have already been waiting 2 years to have this dream realized.

We do know that we serve an Almighty God who has plans to prosper us, not to harm us, and plans to give us a hope and a future. I think my prayer this month (and the next however many months) is for the Lord to reveal to us how He plans for us to start our family. We firmly believe that we will be parents one day, we just aren't sure how or when. We ask for your continued prayers as we face this month, waiting on the Lord for direction and patience.

Our Second Heartbreak

As I wrote in our last post, we found out we were pregnant for the second time on my birthday, November 4, 2011. After having to go in every few days at first for blood work, Dr. K finally said my levels were steadily increasing at a pace that he was comfortable with, so we scheduled our first ultrasound appointment where we would get to see our baby for the first time and hear a heartbeat. We were eagerly awaiting this appointment, since we didn't get to this point with our first pregnancy. 

The day of our appointment, Mike met me for lunch first and then we went to the appointment. I remember us talking about the appointment over lunch and about how excited we both were. I even remember saying to Mike, "You know, the funny thing is, I'm not even nervous about this appointment. I feel like the Lord has just given me a peace about this pregnancy." You would think that after already having one miscarriage, I would have been scared to death about this pregnancy, especially with the way things started out, but I really just felt like everything was going to work out. 

When Dr. K came into the room, he congratulated us again and asked how I was feeling. When I told him I had been really tired and hungry, he gave me a high five and said, "Sounds like pregnancy to me! Let's take a look at your beautiful baby." I remember asking him if he could take pictures that we could show to everyone and he said, "We can take as many as you want!" He began the sonogram and then said the words that made my heart stop:

"Have you had any bleeding?" 

I knew at that point that something was wrong, but told him that I had not had any bleeding or cramping at all. He finished the sonogram and said, "Well I'm afraid I don't have the best news for you." (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY!!) He told me that instead of seeing the gestational sac, my uterus was filled with blood, which meant that I would be miscarrying sometime in the next few days. He apologized and left the room, and told me to come to his office when I was dressed so we could talk about it. Mike and I were both stunned and just sat there, and as soon as Dr. K shut the door I broke down. I just remember saying, "I can't believe this is happening again." I don't think Mike said anything. 

We went into Dr. K's office and he again apologized profusely, but said that he saw no evidence that this would be a viable pregnancy. I asked why my hormone levels had continued to rise, and he said he thought something must have happened in the week between my last blood test and my first appointment. He said in several pregnancies, sometimes they don't see the gestational sac at 6 weeks, but he said that was a very rare occurrence out of thousands of pregnancies that he saw. So I said, "So basically I just have to go home and wait to miscarry??" Dr. K's response was, "Unfortunately so."He gave me a prescription for some pain medication for when it did happen, and just said to call when it did. He went ahead and did some blood work just to check my levels and said he would wait on those before he offered any other solutions. 

We left the office devastated and angry. What was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives had quickly turned into one of the worst. I remember calling Christen, my best friend, after the appointment. It was her birthday and she had been joking about me calling to tell her I was having twins on her birthday. When she answered the phone, she said, "So, is it twins??" And my response was, "No, it was bad news..." I had also told the church staff where I worked that I was going for our first sonogram that day, and told them I would come by after the appointment when they would all be in staff meeting with pictures for them to see. I went back by to deliver the news, which was so hard. Then I called my mom, who was out of town for Thanksgiving, and I know it was so hard for her to be so far away when this was happening. I told her we didn't really want to see anyone anyway. 

That night, Christen and Ronnie came over to bring us dinner and hang out with us for a little while. The rest of that week, we spent pretty much alone, not wanting to see or talk to anyone. That Monday began one of the longest weeks of our lives. Since it was the week of Thanksgiving, I was only planning to work that Monday and Tuesday, but we were supposed to go see my family for Thanksgiving like we do every year. I just couldn't do it...I was afraid the miscarriage would happen there, and I remembered how painful and messy the first one was. I also didn't feel like being around many people when I was so down I couldn't even pretend that I was okay. Mike and I ended up spending Thanksgiving dinner at Cracker Barrel...not my favorite Thanksgiving by any means! We just held on to each other and waited....

Dr. K called the next day to check on me and to let me know that he got my blood test results back. He said they were at 3200 (which sounded good to me!) but he said it was not nearly what he would expect to see at this point in my pregnancy, so he said he thought I would still miscarry. He said that if nothing had happened by Monday, to call him back and they would have me in for another scan. 

With each day that passed, I became more frustrated. I had so many questions...why would my levels increase and get us excited, if I was only going to miscarry? Why the sense of peace about this pregnancy when it was going to turn out like this? Why the wait?? If I was going to miscarry, I wanted it to just happen so I could get it over with. I knew the physical pain and heartache that was coming, and I just wanted it to start so it could end. 

By that Sunday, I was starting to wonder if maybe Dr. K was wrong, or maybe the Lord was going to work a miracle out of this situation. When nothing had happened by that Monday, I called Dr. K and went in for another sonogram. He said that the results were still the same, and he still knew that this was not going to be a viable pregnancy, but he wasn't sure why it was taking so long to happen. He then gave me 3 impossible choices: 1. Continue to wait for it to happen on its own. 2. Have a DNC (a surgery where they go in and remove all of the tissue and evidence of  the pregnancy) or 3. Take a pill (which is basically a pill form of Pitocin, the drug they use to induce labor in pregnant women) that would make the process start. I felt like none of these were good options!! I wanted to be carrying this baby full term, not deciding choices about miscarriage! I felt like the DNC or taking the pill were always going to make me wonder, "What if I would have waited??" Rationally, I knew there was no way this pregnancy could work, but emotionally I knew I would always wonder. And I had already been through the most agonizing wait you could imagine the entire week before. Dr. K told me to think about it and they would call me that evening to see what I had decided. 

We went home and I told Mike to go back to school to get things figured out while I slept. I knew Mike needed his time away from the house to process things, and I needed to be alone with my thoughts, and with the Lord. I talked to Mike's aunt, who has been through 4 miscarriages herself, and asked her what she thought I should do. She was the best person to talk to, because she told me she had basically done it every way and was able to tell me how each worked. She didn't tell me which one to choose, just gave me the information and empathized with the horrible decision I had to make. 

After I got off the phone with her, I really began to just deal with God. I was so angry, and I remember my prayer exactly: I prayed, "God, if this is going to happen, please just let it happen. I don't want to make this decision. You say that you never give us more than we can handle, and making this decision or continuing to wait is MORE than I can handle." I don't think I've ever prayed that angrily or emotionally, and as soon as I said, "Amen", I felt the blood. I know this is a weird thing to say, but I felt like the Lord completely heard my cries at that point and honored my wishes. I felt such a peace in that moment, even though I was still angry, hurting, and confused. The cramping and bleeding picked up shortly after that, and I figured it would all be over soon. 

But I was wrong. I always joke (it's a defense mechanism, I know) that this was the never-ending miscarriage. While the first one began and was over within 48 hours, I felt like this one lasted FOREVER. We already had the week of waiting, and even though the bleeding and cramping started Monday, the worst of the miscarriage didn't happen until Wednesday and Thursday, with complications on Friday. It was awful. 

I knew that when the cramping got intense, it would really be the beginnings of the miscarriage, but that didn't start until late Wednesday afternoon. Of course, that was the day I had volunteered to go pick up the Christmas presents for my clients and the other girls' clients who work with me! It started to get really bad that afternoon, the excruciating pain that I remembered from the first miscarriage, and I passed the tissue later that evening. 

*Disclaimer: this part may be TMI, but it's an important part of this whole process, and the part I think of as the most traumatic.* During the worst of the cramping, your uterus is basically having contractions in order to expel the "tissue" that is inside the uterus...in other words, your baby. I believe in life from conception, which is why I viewed that "tissue" as my baby...passing that into the toilet and flushing it is one of the most devastating things I have ever experienced, in both miscarriages. I know that is way more than most people want to know, but it's a reality and something that most people who haven't experienced don't think about. This process was worse this time, since I was about 7 1/2 weeks along at this point, but I finally started to feel a little bit of physical relief after this part was over. 

The next morning, I had decided I would get up and drive down to Austin where we were having our big work meeting/Christmas party. I thought it would be good for me to keep my mind off things and be distracted. Since I told Mike I was going to Austin, he went back to work and I started getting ready. About halfway through my morning routine, I started to feel nauseous and started to cramp again. I thought maybe I was just having some after-effects of the miscarriage, so I just brought a stool into the bathroom, and figured I would just take some Aleve after I ate breakfast. Very quickly, the pain and nausea got worse, until I was lying on the bathroom floor, unable to move. After about 30 minutes of lying on the floor, I finally made it to the bed and grabbed my phone to call Mike. I don't remember what I said, but something to the effect of "You need to come home now." I must have sounded bad, because Mike was home in about 5 minutes!! He said when he walked in and saw me lying there, he freaked out. He could tell I was in so much pain. I thought something was wrong, because all of this pain should have been over by now. He called the doctor and they said for him to bring me in right away. It was another 20 minutes or so before I could even get up, and before we left, I went to the bathroom and passed another large piece of tissue. The pain had started to subside again, but we went to the doctor just to be sure. He did a sono (JUST what I wanted to have done that day!!) and said it looked like most of the tissue had passed and the worst was probably over. We went back home with more pain meds and I ended up sleeping half the day because my body was worn out! 

There is no way of knowing this for sure, but I believe this pregnancy was twins, since I passed the separate pieces of tissue at such different times. Of course, we can't know since we never got to see anything on the sonogram, but I think that is something I will always wonder about. The next morning (Friday), I again was feeling better so Mike went back to work. An hour or so later, I began feeling pain again and was thinking, "Not again!!" Mike came home and when even the pain meds weren't working, we went back to the doctor. This time, the pain was from a UTI (urinary tract infection), probably from the length of time that the bacteria, tissue, and blood was in my system trying to be expelled completely. This was just the icing on cake after 2 weeks of HELL! (Yes, that's really what it felt like, or the closest thing I have come to it before or since.) They sent me home with antibiotics and by Saturday I was finally starting to feel human again. 

These 2 weeks will without a doubt be considered 2 of the hardest weeks of our lives. We are both still grieving this loss, as well as the loss of our first baby, and I still have so many questions. In January of 2011, we began our first fertility treatment, and here we were finishing out 2011 with nothing to show for it besides 2 miscarriages, a LOT of money spent, and a lot of grief. Whereas with the first miscarriage I was ready to jump right back into getting pregnant, this miscarriage was the exact opposite. I needed a break from fertility doctors, appointments, and this whole process. I was bitter, overwhelmed, sad, and just...numb. I felt like this was happening to someone else, and I almost didn't want to deal with it. Dr. K wanted to run some tests to see what was causing the miscarriages, so we did about 12 different blood tests. As I said before, insurance doesn't cover any of the treatment for infertility, and my doctor suggested I called to see how much the tests would be and if my insurance would pay. When I found out the blood tests were going to cost $3700, I about had a heart attack! We had already paid $3000+ dollars in 3 months with the specialist, which was taking it's toll on our finances. Luckily insurance paid for all of the tests, and we were so thankful for this blessing! 

Dr. Kaufmann suggested we wait until January, when all of the test results came back in, so we could discuss them all at once. We spent the holidays relaxing and enjoying it with friends and family, trying to grieve our losses in 2011, and try to find a way to be hopeful for 2012. 

We are so thankful to be blessed with so many wonderful friends and family who supported us through this past year. They brought us food, prayed with us, cried with us, and loved us. When you are going through the pain of infertility and miscarriage, it is so hard to remain hopeful and keep the faith, but that is something that our friends and family do so well for us. When we have nothing left in us to hope for, they continue to hope and believe that one day Mike and I will be parents to our own biological children. It is this faith and love from our friends and family that reminds us to continuously give this struggle to the Lord and to remind us that His plans and timing are better than our own. 

The Fertility Specialist

As I said in our last post, my OB referred us to a fertility specialist after getting the results that my right fallopian tube was blocked. We scheduled our first appointment, which was just a consultation with the Dr. When we got there, I paid my co-pay like I always do at my OB and we met with Dr. Robert Kaufmann. We immediately felt at ease with him, and he spent almost 2 hours with us talking about our history and our options. After detailing what had happened in the previous year and five months, Dr. Kaufmann said, "Wow, you really know your stuff! I wish all of my patients and med students were this knowledgeable about their own bodies!" Of course, I wanted to be detailed and thorough...it's that OCD thing! :)

When I finished laying out our history, Dr. Kaufmann discussed the option he wanted to try for us, and said the words that were confirmation that he was the Dr. for us: "I am not recommending In-Vitro for you guys. I am confident that we'll get you pregnant without having to go there." Of course there were no guarantees, but just to hear that he was optimistic and wasn't jumping straight to In-Vitro was a huge blessing.

After doing a baseline ultrasound and talking about my previously diagnosed issues, Dr. Kaufmann talked to us about his thoughts. He said that he thinks I have Poly Cystic Appearing Ovaries, rather than PCOS because the ONLY symptom of PCOS that I have is that I sometimes produce cysts when I ovulate. He also said that he didn't want to do anything at the moment about my blocked fallopian tube. We were kind of shocked by this, but he explained it this way: He said that if my tube is completely blocked, I can still get pregnant with just one tube. He said that the fallopian tubes are so narrow and tiny that we could risk him rupturing one if he tried to go in to get a better look. He said there was no reason to do a risky surgery when it only takes one tube to get pregnant! Also, he said that it could be that the muscles around my tube contracted during the HSG procedure, not allowing the dye to get through, so it may not be entirely blocked. Either way, he said I had already gotten pregnant (which was a good sign) and he felt like we could just begin with IUI at his office, which they do a little differently than my OB. He said we would wait for me to start my cycle and then would start the IUI process.

By the end of the consultation, we were both feeling relieved and confident about working with Dr. Kaufmann. He explained the process of an IUI cycle with them (which was a little overwhelming!) and then sent us to talk to the lady who deals with the finances. Then she dropped the bomb on us...it would cost us $1200 a month for each month that we did an IUI cycle. Unfortunately, my insurance covers the diagnosis of infertility issues but not the treatment. (Can someone please tell me how that makes any sense??) We said okay, walked out of the office, and I immediately burst into tears over the money! Mike was so calming and encouraging, assuring me that we could make this work, and it would all be worth it to have a baby. I agreed and we made plans to begin in September with an IUI cycle.

So with any IUI cycle, this is basically how it works: I go in once I start my cycle for a baseline sonogram. As long as there are no cysts, I start on Clomid (100 mg) and take that at the same time every day for days 3-7 of my cycle. Starting on day 5 of my cycle, I also begin injections (shots) of Follistim, another fertility drug that is stronger than Clomid. Each night, for usually about 5 days, Mike has to give me a shot of this drug in my stomach at the same time each night. I go back in after I finish the shots for another sonogram. If the follicles (what releases the egg) are large enough, we stop the injections and schedule the IUI. If they are not big enough, I continue the injections for a few more days and come back from another sonogram. I then give myself another shot in the stomach 36 hours before the IUI of a drug called Ovidrel, which triggers ovulation. Then comes the IUI procedure, which I already detailed in the previous post. (What I didn't mention in the last post is Mike having to give his...contribution at the fertility clinic the morning of the IUI, which as you can imagine is his FAVORITE thing!!) After the IUI, I endure the dreaded 2 week wait, and go back 2 weeks after the IUI for a blood pregnancy test to see if it worked. Also during this 2 week wait, I have to do progesterone suppositories every day, to help support the pregnancy...lots of fun! If not, we start this process all over again 2 days later.

*Side note: One of the most frustrating things I hear from people while going through this struggle is, "Just try not to think about it and dwell on it so much." As I detailed above, my life is pretty much consumed with fertility treatments when I am in the midst of an IUI cycle. I have to remember when to take my pills, when to do the shots, how many days I do the shots, how are we going to pay for all of this, and I am in the fertility doctor's office at least twice a week. HOW am I supposed to just "not think about it"?? When you are having to do so much to your body during this process, it becomes difficult sometimes to NOT think about it! Just a word of advice...don't tell someone going through this to not think about it, not worry about it, or stop trying and it will happen...sometimes it's a daily struggle to balance work and other life situations with making sure you do all the doctor has told you to do. It can be pretty exhausting and consuming, so that comment can tend to rub some women enduring this struggle the wrong way.*

So, we endured this process of an IUI cycle with the fertility specialist for the first time in September of 2011. I was terrified of the shots (anyone who knows me knows that I hate needles...hence the "numbing medicine" story, for those of you who know it!) and Mike had to do the shots for me without me looking. As with most things in the process, the shots aren't really a big deal anymore, but they were at first! I always joke with Mike that I hated taking pills and shots before all of this, and now it's just an everyday part of my life! When I went back in for a sonogram after that first round of Clomid + Follistim shots, my doctor realized that they had totally overstimulated me. With Clomid, he explained that they wanted to see 1-2 follicles, with the Clomid + Follistim they wanted to see 3-4 follicles, and I had about 7-8 follicles! He said it was good that I responded to the drugs so well, but he didn't want to do the IUI that month and risk me having a large number of multiples, as that would not be safe for me. We were pretty bummed, but decided to go ahead and try on our own that month to see what happened. We didn't get pregnant that month, so we started over again in October of 2011.

In October, the IUI cycle worked the same way, except they reduced the amount of Follistim that I was injecting each day. When I went for my sonogram, they said everything looked great, and scheduled me for an IUI a few days later. When I was finished and was scheduling my blood pregnancy test, I realized that I would be getting the call about whether I was pregnant or not ON MY BIRTHDAY! I told the doctor that he could make my birthday either really good or really bad! Of course, everyone was telling me it was a good sign that I would get the results on my birthday, but I was trying not to get my hopes up.

The 2 weeks after an IUI each month (or even just after ovulation) feels like years. The waiting is horrible, and the over-analyzing of every "symptom" is agonizing. This month, it felt even longer because of the added hopefulness that I would find out on my birthday. When you go in for the blood pregnancy test, you go between 8 and 9 am and they call you with the results that day after 4:00. That day alone feels like forever!

On November 4, 2011, the nurse called to tell me that the pregnancy test came back positive (YAY!) but I sensed a BUT in her voice. She said, "Your pregnancy test was positive, so you are pregnant, BUT your hormone levels are low." Basically, anything from 1-5 is a negative pregnancy test, and my level was at a 6. She said at this point the only thing we could do was wait to see if the levels increased....there wasn't anything they could do. She said they wanted me to come back on Monday to do more bloodwork and see where my levels were at. I had such conflicting emotions at that point that I didn't know how to feel. We went ahead and told family and a few friends (no fun reveal this time) so that everyone could be praying that my levels increased. That Sunday night, Dr. Kaufmann called me at home to see how I was doing and to let me know what he wanted to see in the bloodwork. He said that they wanted my levels to be doubling every few days, so if I was at least at a 12 by Monday that would be good; anything 15 or above would be great.

On Monday, after the dreaded waiting period, the doctor called to let me know that my levels had risen to a 16!! Mike and I were thrilled and finally felt some relief that maybe this would actually be a viable pregnancy. My doctor wanted to continue to check my levels every few days to make sure they were still rising. At each subsequent appointment, my levels rose to 32, 78, and finally 302! Every test that came back higher was an encouragement, and after the last blood test, Dr. Kaufmann said I didn't need to come back for more blood tests, they would just schedule our first sonogram appointment at 6 weeks. I also went to see my OB during this time and we agreed that I would stay with Dr. Kaufmann through the first 9 weeks, and come back to him at week 10, so we scheduled that appointment. I was so excited to have made it past the 5 week mark (the furthest I got in my first pregnancy) and Mike and I were eagerly awaiting our 6 week appointment where we would get to see our baby and hear the heartbeat for the first time! I was certainly feeling pregnancy symptoms, and relished every one! We felt like it was a good sign that I found out on my birthday that I was pregnant, and my tentative due date was July 12, which is both my Mema's and Mike's Grandmother's birthdays! Despite how our first pregnancy ended, we really felt like this would be the pregnancy we would carry full term.

Little did we know, the Lord had other plans in mind for us and this baby.

Back to Square One

After our first miscarriage, we sort of felt like we were back to square one. We were so heartbroken by this loss, but we were also ready to jump back in and try to get pregnant again. I think part of me realized that nothing would ever make this better, but getting pregnant again would be the closest thing to healing this loss. The only good thing we felt came out of this loss was the fact that we learned that I could get pregnant, which was something we were unsure of before. We got pregnant in March of 2011, and miscarried a week later in the beginning of April, so my doctor asked us to take May off for my body to have a break and get back to "normal". My doctor basically wanted me to wait until I started my period before we tried again, but he said that sometimes after a miscarriage it can take a while for your body to adjust back to its normal cycle. He offered to prescribe me a medication that would help me start my period so that we could start trying again sooner, and I opted to do that. After 2 rounds of the medication (the first didn't work for some reason), we were ready to start again.

We started back on Clomid at a higher dose in June (100 mg), and then again in July (150 mg) when that didn't work. After not getting pregnant for 2 more months, my doctor decided to send me for another test, called an HSG. The purpose of this test is to check for blockages in your fallopian tubes, which are obviously an important part of getting pregnant! My doctor scheduled the test, which is actually done at a radiologist's office.

The day of the test, Mike drove me to the appointment, and we got lost so I was super stressed that we were going to miss my appointment. (Luckily, one of the teachers at Mike's school recommended that he go with me; I didn't know much about the procedure so I was initially planning to just go by myself!) We finally found the office, and when it was time for the procedure they wouldn't let Mike come back with me, due to the radiation used in the procedure. I went back by myself, not knowing what would be happening.

Let me explain a little bit about how this procedure works. Basically, the radiologist inserts a catheter (NOT a pleasant experience!) and they pass a balloon up through the catheter. The balloon is filled with dye, and once the balloon is inserted, they inflate the balloon inside you, which shoots the dye out through your fallopian tubes. You are also inside an X-Ray machine as they do this, so they can see the dye contrast and can tell if the dye goes through your tubes and spills out the other side or not.

For me, this procedure was incredibly painful, and I have heard the same thing from other women. First of all, the radiologist couldn't get the catheter in, so that took forever and was very uncomfortable. Also, once they inflate the balloon inside you, it causes severe cramping throughout the procedure and for the rest of the day. But perhaps the worst pain of that day was the result of the test. I didn't expect to get any answers that day; I assumed they would just send the results back to my doctor and he would call me. (That's what was supposed to happen.) Instead, the radiologist sat me down and said, "During the test we discovered that your right fallopian tube is blocked." I was thinking, "Well at least they found something." I asked the radiologist what that meant as far as us getting pregnant, and he said that we basically have a 50% chance of getting pregnant because the tubes alternate which months they release eggs from, and when the egg came from my right side I would not be able to get pregnant. So my response was, "Okay, so what do we do about that?" When the radiologist answered with, "Well, unfortunately there's nothing they can do about it", I freaked out! I had just had this awful, painful procedure, found out bad news, and then learned that there was nothing we could do to fix it...all while Mike was in the waiting room!

I walked out into the waiting room and immediately started bawling when I saw Mike. I broke the news to him, and he was so comforting and strong for me. I went home to rest for the remainder of the day, breaking the news to close family and friends. I knew I still had a 50% chance, but that was a tough pill to swallow after it had already taken us so long to get pregnant and we had lost our first child. Mike and I had been praying that they would find something that they could fix, so hearing that there was nothing we could do about it was devastating. I was so upset that day, but anxious to speak to my doctor and see what he thought the best plan of action would be. The 2 days waiting for my doctor to call felt like years!

When my doctor told me that the test results showed that my right fallopian tube was blocked, I repeated what the radiologist had told me. My doctor was extremely frustrated, because it turns out that the information the radiologist told me was not accurate. My tube was blocked, but Dr. Howell told me that it did not reduce our chances of conceiving to 50%...he said in a perfect world, the tubes alternate each month, but that's not necessarily the case. He also said even if it worked perfectly like that, it didn't reduce our chances to 50%; it would certainly make it more difficult, but wouldn't reduce our chances quite that much. He also told me that the radiologist was wrong about the fact that there was nothing they could do about it. He said there was a laproscopic surgery that they could do to try to get a better look at what was blocking the tube. If it was just some tissue, they could potentially flush that out. If it was tubal decay or just the way my tube was formed, then there wasn't anything they could do. My doctor was extremely frustrated that this doctor had talked to me before he could, especially since he gave me incorrect information!

Based on this information, Dr. Howell decided to try IUI, or Intra-Uterine Insemination, to help us get pregnant. I feel like I should explain this, since many people confuse IUI with IVF (in vitro fertilization). With IUI (also called artificial insemination) the man gives a sperm sample, and they inject the sample into the woman using a catheter, as close to the time of ovulation as possible. Many people think that artificial insemination means using a sperm donor, but that's not the case. They artificial part is referring to the fact that the insemination process is being done by a doctor, rather than through normal intercourse. Just thought I would clear that up!

I went in later that week for a sonogram and to get a shot that would trigger ovulation. Later that week, we did the first round of IUI with my OB. That cycle was not successful for us, and that, coupled with the news about the blocked fallopian tube, made my doctor decide to send us to a specialist. He said that the surgery to fix the blocked tube would have to be done by a specialist, and he felt like he had done all he could do for us at this point. We made an appointment with Dr. Robert Kaufmann, who came very highly recommended by my doctor, and prepared to meet with him for our first consultation.

Throughout this whole process, I was still having a very difficult time dealing with the first miscarriage and the news about my blocked fallopian tube. I was frustrated that we were having to see a specialist, when I should have been 5 months pregnant at this point. The whole situation was scary and frustrating, but we were hopeful that maybe the specialist would have some answers and a plan for us. I also remember that Mike and I were scared that the specialist would automatically recommend In-Vitro for us, which was not something we wanted to jump right into, partly because it's extremely expensive (anywhere from $15,000-$20,000) and partly because it's hard on your body and not a sure thing. Mike and I began praying that if this was the doctor for us, he would not mention in-vitro as our only option. In the next post, I'll begin detailing our journey with the fertility specialist, whom we are still working with today. I know it seems like it's taking me so many posts to get through our history, but a LOT has happened in the past 2 years! Stay tuned! :)

Our First Heartbreak

This post is long and was very difficult to write, but it was such an important event in our fertility journey that I didn't want to leave anything out. It may not be as beautifully written as I would like, but it's real.

As I wrote in my last post, Mike and I got pregnant for the first time after we had been trying for a year, and after 3 months on Clomid. I will always look back on that first week as a really special time. We were so ecstatic and thrilled, and we truly felt as though this pregnancy was God delivering us from the past year of trying and disappointment. Mike and I had always assumed we would wait a little while before telling people, but because our journey was a little different than we had planned, we had family and close friends praying for us. That being the case, we told those people who were praying for us within the first few days about our exciting news!

I will never forget us telling our parents and videotaping their reactions, hearing friends scream their heads off when we told them, and people at work being so thrilled for us. My mom literally called me every day that week to see how I was feeling because she was so excited! I was also sad that I couldn't tell my dad, since he had passed away a year and a half before...that was one of the first times it really hit home that he was never going to be able to meet my children. Mike's sister Ali was still in China on missions at that point, but his mom was going to see her a week later, so we got her an aunt card for her birthday, with plans to have her open it with us on Skype to let her know she was going to be an aunt. We had fun telling friends and family, and immediately began making plans for our little one on the way!

If any of you know me well, you know that I am a planner, I love to learn and read about things, and I put my whole heart into whatever I'm doing...it was no different with this pregnancy. The day after I found out I was pregnant, I was downloading pregnancy apps, a pregnancy book, and planning. I think because we felt like we had already been on a long journey to becoming parents, it didn't even enter our minds that things might not work out like we planned.

That Saturday morning, I went to the bathroom and saw blood, and my heart stopped. I honestly think I knew from that second what was happening, but of course I wanted to be hopeful that things would be okay. Mike wasn't home (and I can't even remember where he was!) I called my doctor's office immediately, but of course since it was the weekend I had to leave a message for the on-call doctor. Waiting for that call back felt like a million years. I looked up symptoms of miscarriage in my pregnancy book and online, trying to get some answers. Unfortunately, the on-call doctor who called back was not my doctor, and he was completely insensitive. He said, "Well if you are miscarrying, then there's not really anything we can do about it. Just wait until Monday and come in then. And until then, stay off the internet and try not to worry." Says the man who has never and will never experience the agony of a miscarriage!! He definitely added insult to injury with his comments and his attitude, and I was left with no answers and many questions.

I remember talking to my best friend Christen on the phone, who had called me about a work situation. I remember waiting until she was done and then saying, "Please be praying, I started bleeding today." She flipped out, so mad that I had let her go on about work before saying anything. When Mike got home, of course I was crying hysterically, and he tried his best to calm me down. We had plans to go see my brother's new house, and I asked Mike what he thought we should do. He said since we didn't know anything for sure, we should just go like we planned and try to keep our minds off things. I hadn't started cramping or anything, so we decided to go ahead and go.

The cramping started on the way to my brother's house, and at that point I was really freaking out. I told my parents what was going on, and my mom assured me that some women bleed some early in their pregnancies, so it could be normal. We had gotten my brother and his girlfriend a house warming card, and had written in it that they were going to be an aunt and uncle. They of course were thrilled, and even after we told them what was going on, they insisted that it could be normal. I didn't want to ruin the night, so I tried as best I could to act normal. Each time I went to the bathroom, as the pain and the bleeding was getting worse, I knew what was happening. By the end of the night, the pain was so severe that I was worried I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. I told Mike that we might need to go to the ER when we got home, but after sleeping all the way home, the cramps had subsided some, and I chose to just go to bed.

The next day, the bleeding and cramps were so severe that I called the on-call doctor again to see if I should go to the ER. Thankfully, this on-call doctor was much nicer, and said that if the pain and bleeding got any worse, I needed to come in to the ER. He said, "If nothing else, so we can check for an ectopic pregnancy and for your peace of mind." About an hour later, Mike and I decided to head to the ER.

I will always look back on that Sunday as one of the worst days of my life. As if the pain of losing our first child were not enough, the ER visit added trauma to the equation. If you've ever been to the ER, you know that you have to tell what brought you to the ER about 50 times to 50 different people. There was the girl at the check-in counter, the admitting nurse, the hospital rep who collected your money, the nurse in your room, the sono tech, and finally the doctor. Saying the words, "I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage" over and over was awful. Throughout our time at the ER, I had to endure an IV, a vaginal exam, and a vaginal sonogram. The last straw came when the nurse asked me to give a urine sample. I assured her that it would probably be nothing but blood, so the doctor then decided he wanted to do a catheter to get the urine sample. I drew the line and said I would not be having any more invasive procedures that day! She was very sweet, and allowed me to just do the urine test. I remember Mike having to help me across the hall to the bathroom, and there was so much blood...I am so thankful to have such an amazing husband who stayed with me and helped me through it all. After all of the procedures and several hours, the doctor came back in and reported what we already knew, and handed me paperwork with MISCARRIAGE emblazoned across the top.

We began breaking the news to family and friends, and I remember after Mike got off the phone with his dad, he bawled in my arms like I have never seen him do before or since. That was his one release, his one moment to break down, and other than that he was a rock for me. After passing the majority of the tissue, the cramps subsided, though the bleeding would continue for several days. I had to go in Monday morning for them to check me out, and I got to do a vaginal exam with the jerky on-call doctor from Saturday, which was loads of fun! I think the worst pain, though, was the emotional loss that came with this.

Our friends and family rallied around us, to pray with us, cry with us, and bring meals. I can't even put into words the extent of my feelings of despair. I don't think I will ever be the same, but I certainly wasn't myself for several months after this miscarriage. Something I learned from this was to NEVER undermine a woman's pregnancy loss just because she "wasn't that far along". I was "only" 5 weeks along but I felt like I had lost a part of me, and I didn't know how to get past it. I was angry, incredibly sad, and so confused. I remember questioning the Lord, asking why He even allowed us to get pregnant if we were just going to lose the baby. I remember saying I would have rather never have gotten pregnant than to get the exciting news and then have it taken away. I was pretty angry at God for a long time, and even angrier when everyone else went back to normal life and I was still stuck in my grief.

I think Mike and I will always consider this as this loss of our first child, and one of the hardest things we had ever endured. Although it was incredibly hard and painful, the Lord proved to us what we had always known...that He would never give us more than we can handle, and that He never leaves or forsakes us. I think the Lord is still bringing about healing from this time, but I know without a doubt that this experience strengthened our marriage, our faith, and us as individuals. I don't think I'm yet at the point that I can be thankful for this experience, but I do hope that sharing our experience can help normalize the immense pain and sense of loss that comes with a miscarriage for other women who have experienced it. Mike and I always said, "I hope it's never in the Lord's plan for us to have a miscarriage, we could never survive that." The Lord proved to us that we could indeed survive, only through His divine power working through us, and we give Him all the glory for getting us through this time.